I’ve been lacking sleep lately because of summer school’s final stretch. It’s been a while since I’ve lounged around (heck, I don’t even remember my summer having bum days), and quite frankly, I am appreciative of the fact that being busy hasn’t been more timely than ever.
It has been 10 days after the break-up, and 9/10 of those were either spent on meetings, commuting back and forth, cooking up a Zodiac tribute for class or finishing up 12 film critiques on A Little Disaster. Lucky day 1/10 was the 24-hour breakdown I had after dinner with a few close friends and a talk with my father. After crying myself to sleep and begging Dad not to leave my bedside until I stopped, the next morning came to me as if nothing ever happened. That incident, as frequent as episodes like that should be, never happened to me again.
Tonight, while going back to my responsibilities apart from academics, Luther, a good friend (and boss!) of mine sent me something on Facebook that just literally made me want to cry.
“May special Frutips ako for you.” — he got me these little babies to cheer me up from all this relationship stress I’ve been passively going through. It touched me in so many levels because although I am happy and doing a seemingly good job in holding up, there are just those times when I wish that this did not happen to me at all. There are times that I want to give up being this ‘strong girl’ just so I won’t have to face the memory of why I had to do what I did. I haven’t really mourned for my loss and I don’t think I want to give myself time to do so. I am admittedly avoiding that at all costs because I’m afraid that my weakness for the (good) past might get the best of me.
I am moved because this simple gesture meant that someone understood the pain, and acknowledged how deep the wound actually is. Don’t get me wrong here, I am fine — but let’s not take away my heart’s right to be broken.
Yours would be, too. If, like me, you lost the man you have loved with all your heart.