There has been a ton of things that could have gone wrong this year, and they did. But, I guess the best thing that’s ever happened to me was that I was able to get through it eventually, even when the times seemed too hard to conquer.
I’ve been caught in this mixed up train of thoughts that consume me every single day. I always write about getting there and then taking a few steps back and this see-saw of things to get a hold of never fails to run at a pace a notch higher than mine. As hidden meanings are an overused thing here, let me begin to write this night away with no pretenses at all. And, as much as I think I’ll regret this in the future, I feel like there’s no other way to inch my way through this mess but by the use of my words.
Earlier this afternoon, I attended an individual consultation for this leadership program I’m part of in school. The session began without the go signal of my mentor, simply because I couldn’t help but relieve myself of the pressure I’ve bottled up inside. I have been a balancing act since this semester started; being a working student (literally) who shuffles from her South and North homes as a daily routine. The life in me has not died, thank goodness, but it has deteriorated to such lengths that the simplest surges of lull time feel like a luxury to me. Things haven’t been flowing as smooth as I wanted them to be: I’m behind my deadlines, and for some reason, everything just keeps eluding my futile attempts in trying to accomplish the towering pile of org and academic work that awaits to be done. At the end of the day, however, I slowly begin to realize that what matters is that I’ve given my all. If that doesn’t work out for me, well, I guess I’ll just have to try again.
My case seems like an exaggerated account of what I’m actually going through. Believe me, even I know for a fact that some have it worse. It is different, though, to be put in a situation outside your comfort zone while dealing with so many emotional problems at the same time. I’m surprised I’m sane, really, but what can I do? Kidding aside, I’m glad to have seen myself stand up on my own feet without having to be dependent on anyone else but me. After a long while of seeking constant gratification and being used to an external support system, I might have forgotten how to love myself in the process. This whole year has taught me how to acknowledge my strength as the most powerful weapon I have and realize that nothing is impossible as long as I never let it go.
The hardest part of this year, for me, was having to deal with the betrayal I’ve felt because of my previous relationship. I have been in this constant battle of picking up the pieces and although I’m close to getting there, I wish I never had gone through any of this at all. Guilty as charged, I oftentimes find myself adding up to the subtle heartaches that come from time to time and of course, feel an ounce of regret afterwards. Regret not because of how things turned out (I wouldn’t have had it any other way, to be honest), but regret of subjecting myself to thoughts of the past — even though I’m conscious enough to know that it won’t do me any good. I just got off the phone with my friend, Angie, a couple of hours ago and we both felt so helpless in trying to forget the things we wanted to have no memory of. The sad truth that we all have to deal with, unfortunately, is that you cannot erase a memory. People may come and go, relationships may fall out, and you can get replaced in an instant, but there will always be this tiny speck of yesterday that, no matter what you do, won’t leave the same spot it landed when it was still a second in time you wanted to relive. I really can’t explain why I test my limits every so often, but I guess its my own little way of gauging my progress in “moving on”. There are things I wish I never knew, never heard, or even ever saw, but then again, that was a part of me that I can’t just charge to the pit of complete non-existence. Being in that relationship destroyed me to a fragile soul I never would have imagined to become — but it, in so many ways, has built me up as well.
Life has been the hardest this year. Sure of the following years I have yet to set forth to, I only pray that whatever decision I have made, am making, and am yet to make be all for the brighter future I am looking forward to. The idea of me being open to trusting again, or even to loving again, may be miles ahead of me but these scars I have remind me that there’s something on the other side of the world that’s just waiting to be discovered.
When I look back and reflect on my decisions, I don’t blame myself for always choosing what my heart yearned for. It is important for me to go with what makes you happy but it is only because of my recent experiences that I have come to a clearer understanding of what this really meant.
Happiness does not come because you’ve worked out a plan for it, or because you think that everything’s set for you. Happiness is discovering that although you carry a heavy heart, you know that this will someday fly out together with all your hurt and that one day, you’ll be okay.
I am physically, emotionally, and mentally burnt out but my spirit is alive.
And, knowing that ‘I can’ is definitely enough to keep me going.
Thanks to Tumblr, my night has again turned into one of those in need of dire reflection. It almost always results to poorly written accounts such as this, but, oh well.