I promised myself to keep moving forward after these past few weeks of constant ‘searching’ for what may or may not be there. The yearbook write-up I had to do last night didn’t help, either. It only left me convinced that I really do not know what I’m doing / where I’m going / who I am. Talks with friends and my mom always clarify things for me but the impact fades right away. I don’t know why I’ve been like this lately. All I know is that I’m itching to find that “para saan o para kanino” that I’ve been looking for.
Three weeks ago, I’ve managed to get myself to compose a handwritten letter as a reply to my friend’s note. I’ve wanted to write letters again and that seemed like the perfect opportunity. I felt a sense of relief after ending the note because it was something I haven’t done in a long time. Letter writing is therapeutic for me and right after that, I realized that I’ve missed the feeling it always gave me: security and the thought of being free. Being free from your bottled up emotions, your thoughts, everything–after every letter I write, I feel like I’m starting anew. And that’s what I felt after that Sunday night.
However, like I’ve said earlier, this feeling of elation only lasts for a short while. I don’t know why I can’t keep it up or why I can’t try to sustain it, even. The feeling of that constant need to find something more is a lingering emotion that, no matter how fast I run away from it, stays to haunt me day by day.
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve also been harboring a certain lack of drive for the work I’m doing. I know that I cannot allow myself to be hurt or my outlook be dictated by a single person, but it’s really affecting the way I do things lately. I promised myself that I would keep it in so that I won’t hurt anyone in the process but this afternoon, I just caved. I was so sure I had it under control but I found myself snapping, anyway. I hate how I let my emotions control me. I know that I have every right to feel this way (or do I?) but I also know that I need to protect something greater than myself. For once, I would have appreciated it if I just shut the f up so that no one else would get involved. But no, my emotions, again, got the best of me.
I hate the feeling of not being heard, not being considered, not being seen. I’ve had that all before and I’ve felt that crappy feeling more than just “a lot” of times. It just sucks that now, I’m being subjected to it all over again in a different environment, with different players, on a completely opposite context. But it hurts just the same. It stings just the same.
When will I ever find peace? I’m supposed to be home, but it certainly does not feel that way.
Graduation, please come soon.