Realizing why

More than a year has gone by but I still haven’t broken the link between hurt and thoughts of my past. I don’t know if this also holds true for a lot of people, but there’s a certain feeling inside me that no matter how hard I try to separate the two, there isn’t any way I could dissociate them.

Simply put, when I felt pain, I would always think of him.

It’s not a matter of not being able to move on with what I used to have. The fact that I can now openly talk about it means I’m over the phase of hating everything that had to do with my past. I’m in a better place now and even if that took me so long to realize, I’m glad that I finally acknowledged how much I’ve grown ever since. I would never trade anything for what I have, what I’ve done or for where I am now, but I’ll be honest when I say that sometimes, I just wish I never felt the pain I went through before. It changed me in a lot of positive ways, but it also left me pretty brutal scars which I can never take back.

Some of those scars are translated in the way I see myself and the work that I do at present. I’ve had a lot of doubts about my ability to lead and direct the vision I have for the people I’m handling. I can’t avoid the familiar feeling that somehow, I’ve been through this before. Whenever I have self-doubts, it always goes back to the time I felt like I’ve been questioned by that one person I thought would trust me no matter what. I don’t want to experience that again. I don’t want to go through all the drama of convincing someone that you can salvage something broken because it’s a process that’s just too damn hard. Right now, I’m scared to let down the people I’m working with. I never, ever, ever, ever want to make them think twice about their decision to trust me because I don’t want to let anyone down ever again. For history to repeat itself is not a possibility I’m welcoming in.

I guess this is rooted in the fact that although I know it wasn’t my fault (because really, I’ve tried and tried and tried), my ex made me feel like I let him down. He made me feel like I what I did was not enough…that I was not enough, that I was never enough. There were so many things I was doing “wrong” that nothing I did right was ever acknowledged or heard. I was doing everything I could to be the perfect girlfriend, but all he saw was everything I didn’t do to make him happy. I thought I was that girl and that he was my one, but towards the end, all I felt was that suddenly, all that I’ve worked for did not hold any bearing on the relationship anymore. When he made me feel useless and incompetent, that’s when things began going downhill and that’s when I decided that it had to end.

It is because of this experience that makes me hurt more than I should be at the moment. I know that my current work and my previous relationship have no correlation at all, but the disconcerting feeling of the possibility that I could fail someone again bothers me to no end. I love what I do and I love the people I’m doing it with even more that the thought of merely letting them down a single bit is something my conscience cannot take. I’ve invested so much of my time (my entire college experience, to be exact) in this organization that I want it to end perfectly. I want everything to fall into place at the right moment, at the right time. I don’t want these four years to go to waste because I know it feels. I know how it feels like for your perfectly planned out future to vanish in an instant. I know exactly how it feels like to have your whole life turn into an empty investment overnight.

Things get better and it has, of course, but you can never take away the impact of being shot at a million times. Sure, you go on, you move forward, you stand up again–but it will always sting, bite you in the ass, torment you at night. It will always creep back up during times like this even though you try so hard not to let it get to you. I honestly wish I could get rid of this trigger but I have to face that instead of wanting it gone, I should instead focus on accepting its inevitability. I can’t escape anything, and this shouldn’t be an exception.

I have recently been battling an existential crisis of not knowing what to do next, where to go, or even who to be in the future. Senioritis is probably kicking in faster than I thought it would, but this on-going roller coaster of feelings have left me in such a mess these days. I’m not doing so well in the things I usually do good at. My academics aren’t reaching my standards, my work, although I get done, does not fulfill me as much as it used to and well, my personal life has been a constant game of hide and seek. There are days when I think I know where I’m heading towards, but then there are moments when I find myself thinking, “What the hell am I even doing here?” The past used to scare me, but now, it’s the future that haunts me to no end. What if there was no future? What do I do then?

I’m hurting so much right now and it’s funny because for once in my life, it’s not about a relationship or a lost loved one or some boy I’m secretly crushing on. It’s something bigger now and I guess that’s why I’m doubly scared. This is an organization I’ve been entrusted with and I’m putting so much pressure on myself to do the job perfectly. I’m probably going to hurl at these things I’m saying in 10 years (because I know I’ll get through this soon), but I guess that’s better than still feeling this way by the time I’m 30. By then, I hope that I’ve finally set my feet somewhere stable and can look back at all this with a (judging) smile on my face. When that time comes, I hope I’ve gathered enough wisdom through the years to be able to say “It will be okay,” and believe in it myself.

For now, at least, allow me to indulge in my sappy teenage “Oh my god, it’s the end of the world” story. Allow me to go through these #feels because last time I checked, keeping it in never does anyone any good.

Where do I go from here

I promised myself to keep moving forward after these past few weeks of constant ‘searching’ for what may or may not be there. The yearbook write-up I had to do last night didn’t help, either. It only left me convinced that I really do not know what I’m doing / where I’m going / who I am. Talks with friends and my mom always clarify things for me but the impact fades right away. I don’t know why I’ve been like this lately. All I know is that I’m itching to find that “para saan o para kanino” that I’ve been looking for.

Three weeks ago, I’ve managed to get myself to compose a handwritten letter as a reply to my friend’s note. I’ve wanted to write letters again and that seemed like the perfect opportunity. I felt a sense of relief after ending the note because it was something I haven’t done in a long time. Letter writing is therapeutic for me and right after that, I realized that I’ve missed the feeling it always gave me: security and the thought of being free. Being free from your bottled up emotions, your thoughts, everything–after every letter I write, I feel like I’m starting anew. And that’s what I felt after that Sunday night.

However, like I’ve said earlier, this feeling of elation only lasts for a short while. I don’t know why I can’t keep it up or why I can’t try to sustain it, even. The feeling of that constant need to find something more is a lingering emotion that, no matter how fast I run away from it, stays to haunt me day by day.

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve also been harboring a certain lack of drive for the work I’m doing. I know that I cannot allow myself to be hurt or my outlook be dictated by a single person, but it’s really affecting the way I do things lately. I promised myself that I would keep it in so that I won’t hurt anyone in the process but this afternoon, I just caved. I was so sure I had it under control but I found myself snapping, anyway. I hate how I let my emotions control me. I know that I have every right to feel this way (or do I?) but I also know that I need to protect something greater than myself. For once, I would have appreciated it if I just shut the f up so that no one else would get involved. But no, my emotions, again, got the best of me.

I hate the feeling of not being heard, not being considered, not being seen. I’ve had that all before and I’ve felt that crappy feeling more than just “a lot” of times. It just sucks that now, I’m being subjected to it all over again in a different environment, with different players, on a completely opposite context. But it hurts just the same. It stings just the same.

When will I ever find peace? I’m supposed to be home, but it certainly does not feel that way.

Graduation, please come soon.

A lack, thereof

I badly want to blog and type my feelings out but it seems like I have nothing substantial to say anyway. I guess what I’ve learned from my past experiences is that it’s better to shut up during your darkest moments than to risk being vulnerable to hurting again.

I’m not depressed nor am I sad, no. It’s just this emptiness that consumes me every day and hinders me from doing anything with passion. I have lost inspiration to study, to write, to create, and to do so many things. I’m generally happy (happier than ever, to be completely honest) and I get by, but there’s something missing—

And I’d kill just to know what (or who) that may be.

A letter that sums up my 2011, or something like that

How do you say good-bye to a friend: Sadness, joy, gratitude, and a whole bunch of other feelings.

June/July 2011, when we were just both "peripheral" friends to each other

The letter above was written by my good friend, Bernice, before I left Manila. It’s evident that we’ve found comfort in each other’s company this year — and this is probably one of the things that I’ll definitely miss now that I’m away from home.

A reminder for me to constantly keep moving forward this 2012. A few Taylor Swift songs, a trip to my university, and a certain movie called Nine Lives shook me this week. Add to that a ton of work to turn in back at home. Read: org and acad responsibilities.

I’m not complaining, though. This is good.